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I wonder if when I look in the mirror, its really myself I see. I wonder if I really am a hideaous monster..
I wake up H A T I N G myself more and more everday,
But the love I have for him is stronger than that of the hate I have for myself.
He keeps me tame, controls this eager illness thats bound to kill me, destroy me if set loose. His love builds a bridge over the rivers I have cried for others, covers the hole that they have dug. Its him, his love, his passion, his joy, his agony, his sad, his angry, his pain. Him. That keeps me holding on, that keeps me going, that keeps the illness away, and me in control.
I fear that someday when he finds someone better, someone worth his time that he will move on, leaving me alone with the sickness that I've been held captive by for far too long. I fear that when he leaves, there is no turning back. It will be just me, and the sickness, taking control once again...
LATER:
She settles down, quiet now. Not a word crosses her lips, she is sly and impatient but she will wait until i am more vunerable. She'll wait till he leaves me, and then all the fury will lash out like deadly tentacles on prey. and everone knows that once the deadly tentacles grab hold, they never let go. Tags: alone, ana, fat, hate, love, together
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Fired. what would you do? where would you go? Alone. would you have someone to run to? someone to tell you its ok? Afraid. would you be relieved? Would you panic? Come home. Rooms Ruined. Blankets torn from the bed. Drawers open, contents spilled about. Trashed. What happend? CDs broken. boxes open. Things stolen. Terror. Food eaten. Too much Food. Eat away your feelings. Then purge. Shit. Bent over the toilet. Fingers down my throat. Nothing comes up. Nothing. All my emotions bottled up. no escape.. No way to let out the pain. No Way. Let me get it out. all of it. so sick of living the way i do. want to end it all. But before i fly. I must Fall. Tags: ana, fired, purging.
Current Mood:  cold
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i wrote this poem about my ed, dont take offence to it or anything. just read it. staring at the plate pushing it away working towards my goal inching day by day the path is getting dimmer searching for the light i think i might, reach my goal ending life tonight. thought i finally reached it open up my eyes people asking questions whiles others just walk on by fained once again in the open corridor and no one knows no one even cares. i'm suffering on the inside starving in and out all i want to do today is lay upon the couch thinking of my diet, going strong for 14 days wondering if life is even worth if it will ever be ok.. To. Be. Continued. Tags: ana
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I stared after him in the distance, watching his blue mustang ride off in the sunset..the purple and orange mixing togther forming a beautiful oblivian.. wondering, hoping that mabey he would turn around and come back into my arms. Mabey he would love me as i had loved him, dedicate himself to me and be faithful as i had.. I'd loved him.. i thought. Mabey i never knew what love was, this i would never know..not having expirienced love before myself.. but i knew..Mabey if i had loved him it was BEFORE he just dumped me on the side of the road like a lone puppy in a box.. for a white trash tramp. Yes, i'd loved him... and mabey that was my greatest weakness.. to let love in and let it take over me, take control like i was the mustang that he was now driving in which ever direction he pleased. Away from my life, away from my love..I'm nothing to him, never was. I knew it for a long time.. had known it.. I had just been to stupid to believe, to blinded by the love i imagined, to understand...but love couldn't save me this time.. nothing could..it was only me. and the road ahead... Tags: alone, him, love, loved, road., weakness
Current Mood: sad
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Ok so, Luke, hes my friend, and he had a crush on me. idk if he still does.. and he knows about me.. about my eating habbits.. and so i kept telling him how fat i was and how i wanted to get to 100 and so hes just like "well i'm gonna encourage you now, have fun losing weight" idk why, but that kinda pissed me off.. i mean.. idk.. its just, arnt true friends [who dont have an ed] supposed to support you? like not that support, but try to make you better? so then i was like, ok well now help me stop eating at school, like call me fat or something.. and omg i cant even believe he said this to me, i took this out of the email "i have gotten 5 years worth of insults saved. ill try one. you are so fat, that you need a boomerang to put on a belt. hehe... im gonna like this assignment." ^^??? can you believe that? "I"M GONNA LIKE THIS ASSIGNMENT." wtf? its like he wants me to be this way..like he wants someone to suffer like he did.. so i hope i get really bad. p.s. he posts these pieces of songs at the end of his emails that hes listening to, and he was listening to this:  in the dark with the music on, wishing i was somewhere else, taking all your anger out on me, somebody help, i would rather run alone, than spend a minute with you. im gone, im gone, im goooone. and you can't stop me from falling apart, because my SELF DESTRUCTION IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
^what a coincidence.. my self destruction will be all his fault. i hope hes happy. Elise Tags: bastard, ed, fat, insult., pal, sad
Current Mood: fucken pissed
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I have some things to admit.. 1. Sometimes i cry for no reason at all. 2. Sometimes i just wish to wake up and have it all be like it was. 3. I get jealous of my friends alot and the people around me. 4. I beg for attention because mabey i'm sick of always being second best. 5. Sometimes i'm REALLY negative. 6. And sometimes, i DO make mistakes.. I'm not perfect. Everyday girls starve themselves to try to make people notice them, to just have someone take a glimps..we think, "mabey if i'm skinnier they'll notice me" We laugh and we act like everythings ok, when were really bleeding on the inside... Wether were having a good day, or a bad day, every little comment h u r t s. EVEN IF your just joking. Call her fat, and she'll starve herself for days on end, just so she doesn't feel like a total fatass, just so she can see her ribs sticking out.
Were always trying to be perfect...We know it'll never happen, but we still strive for it.
were never good enough, so we deal the way we can, even if its not the right way.
xoxo Stay Strong
Elise Tags: ana, attention, mistakes, perfect, ribs, starve
Current Mood: idk.blank.
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Today we went shopping and i saw this dress that was just to die for.. such a plain but pretty dress. size three i took it to the dressing room to try on Perfect fit.. EXCEPT.. i was in there by myself, and i couldn't zip it up, idk why, because if i could have only just got that little bit.. "WHY wont it fit? why wont it zip??" i kept thinking "Mabey its because your a big old FAT ass!" said a little voice, i knew was only in my head..i took it off and made a fit in the stall about trying to pry the zipper up, but no luck. the zipper was stuck it wasn't me after all.. I told my dad it was a perfect fit, and so we bought it. But i couldn't stop thinking about how it wouldn't fit so i said i would starve myself for a couple days, lose a couple pounds, and then i would be EXACTLY the perfect fit.. But my innocent diet to just try to lose a couple pounds couldn't have gone more wrong.. Tags: perfect ana anorexia starve size shoppin
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